We can't have it all!

I recently came across a quote by Nelson Mandela in the book I’m reading, and it resonated deeply with me, it me reflect in so many layers of my life. The quote says, “May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.”

The concept of choices and the act of choosing have been recurring topics in my therapy sessions. My therapist and I often explore how making decisions can sometimes paralyse me. We believe that the fears and traumas we develop from our life experiences. Although these connections can be difficult to identify, they often trace back to moments in life when challenges first emerged.

Discussing the nature of choices in therapy has helped me understand that even when we decide not to choose, effectively setting things aside, we are still making a choice. In other words, we cannot escape the act of choosing; it is always present, whether we are conscious of it or not. I also learned that the struggle intensifies when a decision involves more people or has far-reaching implications. While I know that life cannot be navigated entirely on our own, I find that when I am the primary “decision-affected” as I like to say, it becomes easier to choose one option over another. I sometimes wonder if this inclination reflects a form of selfishness. But then I ask myself: how bad is it to be a little selfish when making decisions that directly impact my life?

It’s easy to deceive ourselves into thinking we aren’t making choices or that we aren’t being selfish when we do. Blaming others or external circumstances often seems more appealing to us as human beings.

When I reflected on Mandela's quote, I connected it to my own experience of when I was diagnosed with HIV. I realised that I had to accept the reality of my diagnosis without dwelling on how it came to be. I remember the first time I was about to take my HIV medication—I was terrified because of everything I’d read online. But my hope of getting better, and leaving was stronger than my fear, and I knew that taking the medication was the only way forward. I doubt there are many people in this world who feel no fear when faced with making significant choices. Whenever we choose something, we inevitably leave something else behind. I often ask myself which side of the wall I’m choosing to walk by. Deep down, we know what makes the most sense to us. The real challenge is that sometimes our heart and mind don’t align, but we also know which path we would regret less if things don’t turn out as expected.

We often take for granted the fact that we can make choices based on hope or faith, and instead, we allow fear to guide us. It’s important to remember that this can alter our perception and acceptance of life. Choosing hope over fear can transform not just our choices but our entire approach to life.

-Phellipe Lutterbeck xx